Spin The Bottle
by Meme-Ann
Summary: COMPLETE!! The ducks have a a drunken party and a game of spin the bottle changes two players lives. My first attempt at slash, probably sucks. Adam and Charlie story.
1. Drunken Night

Charlie's POV  
  
  
  
I think maybe I shouldn't have had that six pack before that party. I knew Jesse always had more then enough alcohol at those things anyway. But then again if I hadn't been totally wasted I may have missed out on the best thing that ever happened to me. That game of spin the bottle changed me for life I guess. We were all sitting in a circle in the living room of Jesse and Terry's apartment drunk out of our minds trying to think of something that we could all do that wouldn't get us either arrested or make us puke. The original ducks and new ducks were having a get together to say goodbye, in a week we'd all be going off to college in separate places.   
  
I think it was Goldberg that had the great idea to play spin the bottle, I think he thought it might be the only chance he over got to kiss Tammy Duncan. He's had a crush on her forever and hadn't seen her much since we started at Eden Hall almost four years ago. Everyone was too bombed to disagree so we decided to play, Portman made the stipulation that no matter you land on who have to kiss them no matter the gender. I think he thought that would be the only way he'd get to see Connie and Julie make out a fantasy he'd had for years.  
  
In the minutes to follow Peter kissed Averman, Luis kissed Russ and the funniest of all was Portman and Fulton who both looked like they were going to pass out at any moment.   
  
"You guys don't put any effort into it, it's like this." Julie Gaffney drunk off her ass is a funny site especially when she grabs Karp who she's only met four times in her life and plants the biggest wettest French kiss on him I've ever seen. It was my turn to spin down and I was praying to get anyone of the girls, they were all hott. Of course, curse my rotten luck I landed on the only sober person in the room, who's eyes widened in fear (at least I think it was fear) when it stopped. Adam. Everyone was watching me and I was never one to chicken out, so I pounced on Banksie and pressed a kiss on him that rivaled the one Julie gave Karp.   
  
When I pulled back, Banks got up and sprinted out the front door to the busy street bellow. That wasn't a good sign at all. He was pissed that I kissed him like that in front of the team, I could tell. He's always been shy, I'm sure that didn't help matters any either.  
  
"I'll be back guys, I'm gonna go check on him." Connie got up from the floor and sort of toppled over landing in Guy's  
  
"Stay there Connie, I'll go talk to him." I was ten times more smashed then her but I could still walk.  
  
I found him curled up in a ball in the alley beside Terry and Jesse's complex. The boy was shaking like a leaf as I approached and that didn't make me feel to great. In fact I felt awful for doing that to him.  
  
"Banksie, you alright?"  
  
"Yeah Charlie, I'm fine go back to the party." His voice was small and weak, quiet different then the deep masculine one it had changed into over our eight years of friendship.  
  
"Look Banks if your mad at that kiss, I'm sorry buddy, it was just part of the game."  
  
"I'm not mad at you Charlie." His tone was as soft as it was the first time  
  
"Then what is it Cake-eater?" I wondered toward him and took a seat next to him on the disgusting ground. He squirmed away from me a little bit and looked at me cautiously "Where are you going?" by now he'd wiggled his way to the other side of the alleyway.  
  
"I want to be far enough away from you, that you can't hit me when I tell you." He answered lifting his head to look me in the eye  
  
"Well I can't reach you now so what is it?"  
  
"Charlie, I liked that kiss. I've had a crush on you for years, since freshmen year. I couldn't say anything cuz I didn't want to mess up our friendship."  
  
I sat there looking at him as the news soaked into my brain  
"You're…?"  
  
Adam only nodded averting his eyes to his sneakers, the laces seemed to be interesting him to no end.  
"That kiss in there Charlie it was more then just part of the game to me. You have no idea how many nights I sat awake in our dorm watching you sleep wondering what it would be like to feel your lips against mine." As he said the one lone tear trickled down his cheek and plunked onto the collar of his trademark polo shirt.  
  
I don't know what possessed me to get up and cross the a distance between us. Banks leapt to his feet and tried to run, but I caught him by the shoulder, yanking him to a stop. He clenched his deep blue eyes closed tightly as if preparing the beating he thought I'd give him. When I didn't punch him in the stomach as he thought I would he opened them. I brought my hands to the side of his face and he flinched anticipating at the very least a smack. Instead I took his face in my hands and dropped my mouth to his. At first he was reluctant, but only at first. As his soft lips parted my tongue snaked in exploring the depth of his throat. There was something about the way his body felt against mine as our kisses grew deeper. Something I couldn't explain, still can't to this day.  
  
I had known him forever, since we were ten and Adam had never struck me as that good of a kisser. No make out session I had ever been in compared to this, no girl had ever had so much passion for me. It was as if it was flowing from every part of his body and working it's way out of him from his mouth. And I liked it. I could feel the knot in my stomach loosing in with each movement of his tongue. And when we pulled away from each other we said nothing only held each other for the remainder of the night there in the alleyway. In fact we fell asleep there on someone's fire escape in the embrace of one another. I wonder if anyone ever noticed that we didn't come back to the party that night. But then again, who really cares if they did. 


	2. Sober Morning

ADAM'S POV  
  
~* I own nothing, there may not even be any original characters in this story *~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
As soon as the sun started to rise, it began to warm my cheeks. I woke slowly, at first be disoriented and not remembering where I was. Once I realized I was still on the fire escape outside the Hall's apartment and the movement against my back was that of Charlie's chest while he breathed, I felt warm all over. I heard him yawn and the sound made me smile.  
  
"G'morning Banksie." Charlie said while stretching  
  
"Yes it is." I spun around from my spot between his legs and pushed myself up with his thighs to bring my mouth to his. His kisses were much gentler then they had been the night before, delicate and teasing even. The last night I had thought he was going to devour my face. I brought my hands to his neck and pulled him into the kiss, still he was reluctant.  
  
"Charlie is there something wrong?"  
  
"Banks I don't know if I want this." He looked at me uncertainly and I felt as if my heart had stopped  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Last night, that kiss, Adam I was drunk, I'm not gay. At least I don't think I am, God this all so weird."  
  
"I understand, last night was just an experiment. I should of known better, it was to good to be true." I didn't feel the tears forming in my eyes, I didn't notice them falling until Charlie tried to sooth me.  
  
"Come on Cake-eater please don't cry."  
  
Who did he think he was, tearing my heart and then having the nerve to tell me not to cry?  
  
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad." I sniffled the tears and still they kept coming, I was unable to contain them  
  
"Come on now don't be like this." Charlie reached out for my shoulder and I jumped up as if his touch burned me, caused me pain.  
  
"Don't touch me." I snapped, something I never do, especially at Charlie. "I should of said that last night then maybe we wouldn't be having this conversation."  
  
"Come on Banksie cut it out let's talk about this."  
  
"What is there to talk about? I love you Charlie, I always have. Then one night it seems as if you want me just as much and you tell me it was a drunken mistake."  
  
"I didn't say that!!!"  
  
"Yes you did, just not in so many words." I was still crying in spite of my angered tone and got up to leave the alley, leave Captain Duck behind  
  
"Where are you going?" He ran up and fell into to step beside me, not daring to grabbed my shoulder as he had the previous night  
  
"I'm going back to campus, I'll have my stuff cleaned out of the dorm room prior to when you get back. Tell the guys I said bye, I'll call them later in the week."  
  
"Don't leave, look what do you want me to do Adam? Tell me I'll do it."  
  
I stopped short and turned around to face him. My heart was beating at a triple pace, my breath catching in my throat.  
  
"Say my name again."  
  
"Huh?" Some how I don't think that seemed to be what he was expecting.  
  
"You never call me Adam, Charlie say my name again."  
  
"Adam, I'm sorry." He wiped the tears from my face with his thumbs and stared into my eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt you, you know I've only ever kissed girls you know. I'm new to this, I'm scared."  
  
"No girl could ever love as much as I do Charlie." The wind was blowing and his brown curls were dancing   
  
"I don't know if this'll work but, I'd like to try. Can I kiss you again?"  
  
"No" I answered grasped him shirt front "but I'm kissing you."  
  
I could feel the heat of his body pressed against mine, his long fingers twisting in my blonde hair and I could've sworn I'd died and gone to heaven. I would say he was the best kisser I had ever encountered but in truth he was the only person I'd ever kissed. I was about to tell him that just then though, my mouth was busy swallowing his kisses hungrily as if I pulled away I may seize to be. His lips were warm and his tongue swept around, tantalizing mine into a wild battle for satisfaction. And when we separated I could still feel it. I was in love with this boy and he was willing to give it a shot. That was all I could ask for, but I had a feeling it would lead to more in the future, something beautiful. 


	3. Goodbye

Charlie's POV  
  
I couldn't sleep at all the night exactly a week after. Graduation had come and gone and the next day we'd be leaving the dorms for good. Russ and Kenny were heading back to California, Portman Chicago, Julie Maine, Luis was returning to Miami and Dwayne was going home. I'd miss them of course but that wasn't what was weighing on my brain. Banks was receiving a full scholarship to the University of Connecticut and rather then going in the fall like every other student, he had decided to go out to New England early and enroll in their hockey training program. Like he needed the training in the first place, but if you take the program it guarantees you a spot on the team. That was Banksie, hockey before anything else. He'd be driving out the next morning. Driving to Connecticut, cab you believe that? He said it would be and adventure, I personally think that the detour of brining Jules home to Maine may be the real adventure. I didn't trust him 110% I would've been jealous of him spending almost two days with a girl alone, but I knew he cared for only me.  
  
I could tell he wasn't asleep either, he has this adorable snore when he was, but the room was silent on the other side. That was good for the entire day I had been trying to work up the nerve to say something to him, something that was probably the most important I'd ever say to anyone.  
  
"Adam?" I hadn't called him anything but his real name since the morning after the party, when he told me he loved hearing it from my lips  
  
"Yeah?" The voice game through the darkness  
  
"I…I…I…" 'I love you', come on Charlie you can say it. That wouldn't even have been the first time I told Banks I loved him, only the first time it didn't have as a best friend or like a brother at the end of it. And for some unknown reason I couldn't do it. "I'm really gonna miss you." Smooth move Conway. I'm surprised Banksie didn't laugh at me.  
  
"Well, I'm going to miss you too Charlie. Come over here I don't like talking to you when I can't see you." He responded  
  
I heard the bed squeaking as if he was moving to make space for me, so I crossed the hardwood floor between us. I curled up onto the bed beside him watching his face as at in bathed in the moonlight.   
  
"Tomorrow isn't good bye, is it?"  
  
"I hope not." He entwined his hand with mine and I found myself blushing slightly  
  
Aimlessly I traced his abs with my index finger of the other hand, until he leaned forward and kissed me delicately. A kiss I deepened, the passion sweeping over both of us like wild fire. My mind was fuzzy from the lack of oxygen, still I didn't pull away. Bittersweet kisses, that both burned and soothed, teased and fulfilled at the same time. Neither of us wanting to admit they maybe the last kisses that we'd ever share. As time passed they grew more frantic and soon one thing led to another. I had never done that a man before, Adam had never been with anyone. It could've been the worst in the universe, we did it together, that's all that mattered to us.  
  
As I lay with my back pressed to his chest, I felt a strong arm come around me pulling me closer and I heard the words  
"I love you more then anything Charlie."  
  
'I love you too' Had I said the words out loud? No merely thought them, while pretending to be asleep. He pressed closer to me dropping a butterfly kiss on my neck and leaning his head on my shoulder.  
  
I felt so dirty, not from what we had just done. I'll never regret that and I'd do it again in an instant. I felt unclean because I couldn't say those three simple words back. I could feel them, oh god I could feel them, but I couldn't articulate them. The simple words he'd waited years to hear me say, I had denied him them.  
  
I said I'd never regret what we did that night, nevertheless the next morning I did have guilt. I'd taken something so special from him, something he'd saved just for me and I refused to give him the one thing he'd wanted all along. I had tainted everything, ruined his first time with my stupid inability to express my feelings. He was loading boxes into his Porsche as the rest of us stood waiting to say good bye. Guy nudged my shoulder and asked  
"What's with you, you've got a weird sparkle in your eye."  
  
'Thank you Germaine for pointing that out.'  
  
"Conway got some action last night." Portman grunted  
  
"Who's the lucky chick?" Russ prodded  
  
Adam and I shared an unseen look before I answered  
"Someone special." Vague but true  
  
"I'm done." Banks declared, bungeeing his trunk closed.  
  
The team took turns hugging or shaking hands with him and Julie. When it was my turn my heart was pounding, so was his, I could feel it. Did I hold him longer, closer and tighter then I should have? More then likely but no one said a word. The goalie and he climbed into the car and as it eased out of the lot, my wretched heart broke. Salty tears began to leave my eyes one after another, not ceasing. They all thought it was because my best friend left. Little did they know he was much more then that now, my lover, my friend the first person I ever really loved and he'd just gotten in his car and driven away like we had nothing. One by one the Ducks started to wander off to finishing packing. Yet I stood there as an hour past, staring down the road on which he'd left me.  
  
Light foot steps came from behind me, a gentle hand came down on my shoulder reassuringly  
"It's alright Charlie. He'll be back sooner or later. Come on we've got to get Russ, Luis, Ken, Portman and Dwayne to the airport."  
  
"I love you Adam." My voice was below a whisper. Connie didn't even hear it as she stood next to me, but I think Banks did. And as I followed Connie into the school I turned and looked off down the street one last time. 


	4. Driving away

Adam's POV  
  
Driving away from the school that day was probably the hardest thing I ever did in my life, maybe even that I ever will do. I watched Charlie in the review mirror until I couldn't see him anymore. Julie was bouncing around in her seat and playing with my radio; I could already tell this wasn't going to be a pleasant ride for me. She was so excited about going home; I couldn't wait to get home either. I wasn't even out of the state yet and I was already home sick, make that Charlie sick. Though he hurt me, both physically and emotionally. I won't go into the physical one based on the fact some of you may be to young to hear about it. Emotionally that was something different, something deeper. I wanted to believe he loved me; I wouldn't have made love with him the night before if I hadn't thought he did. Still he wouldn't say it. And I couldn't understand why he hadn't. Maybe, because he didn't, maybe I'd been lying to myself along and this whole thing was some kind a torturous game.  
  
By the third hour of driving Jules was singing and she had "We Will Rock You" blasting from my speakers. A song that on any other day I would've joined in to the chorus, but that day I couldn't sing. I couldn't even think of anything other then Charlie and how maybe going away to college would help me to get over the feelings I had for him, the ones he didn't return.  
  
"Come one Banks, sing with me!" Julie poked me repeatedly in the arm  
  
"What has gotten into you Jules?" I pushed the button the change the C.D. to something calm. I was in the mood to wallow in myself pity and it wasn't going to work with her jumping around like an A.D.H.D kid on a sugar rush.  
  
"Oh this is fun." She moaned as we started listening to music from The Nutcracker.  
  
From then on we said very little to each other, she took out a copy of A Separate Peace and began to read. I could tell she was upset I ruined her fun, so I kept my eyes fixed on the road. There was nothing but trees for miles, each one looking identical to the one before. It was dark by the next time Julie spoke to me.  
  
"Banks it's getting late, we should find a motel for the night."  
  
I hadn't even noticed the sunset in my robot like state of mind, as I gazed ahead I saw millions of small bugs flying toward my headlights in the darkness and laughed. I felt like doing the same thing. We pulled into the closest motel we could find only to learn there was only one room available, one room with one bed. I wonder who was more uncomfortable as we changed and climbed under the covers that night. Julie who had no idea she was sleeping with a homosexual and probably assumed I was going to grope her, or me who was wishing she wasn't a girl at all.  
  
I woke the next morning to find my arms wrapped around Julie's slim waist and my face buried in her silky blonde hair. I must have thought she was Charlie in my sleep or something because that's the only reason I could think of why I'd cuddle her. Of course when her eyes fluttered open and she realized she was staring at my bare chest, she wasn't exactly happy.  
  
"Jesus Adam get off of me." She shrieked. Yeah now I know why I don't like girls. The funny thing is give her a couple of beers she'll make out with someone she hardly knows. Sober she wakes up in my arms and the world is coming to an end. Thank God we were only five hours away from her house.  
  
I pulled my car into the parking lot in front my dorm and pulled my hockey bag from the back, following the instructions to which room was mine. I left all the rest of my belongings in the car. That shows where my priorities lay, leaving all my boxes in my unlocked Porsche, along with the keys. On my way I walked by the groups booths with herds of freshmen waiting to join them. I checked them all out but found only one that appealed to me The Gay and Lesbian Alliance. Being that I had nothing to do I got in the line signed up and got a meeting schedule then I went into my dorm.  
  
The rooms were much the same as those we stayed in at Eden Hall, two beds, two desks and a sink. I wasn't really in the state of mind to unpack so I simply flopped down on my bed and studied the ceiling. I heard the door open, as whom I presumed was my new roommate walked in. I shifted my gaze to the tall athletic looking boy standing at the foot of my bed. At first my mind registered Charlie, but I knew it couldn't be him and shook my head.  
  
"Are you Adam Banks?" He asked his voice was softer then Charlie's but he had the same thick curly hair and mischievous gleam in his eyes, though his eyes were a really deep green.  
  
"Yeah I'm Adam. You are?" I sat up and raised my eyebrows at him  
  
"Lee Hawkins everyone call me Hawk." The guy extended his hand to me and I shook it continuing to study his face. The fact he looked like the love of my life but his name was the same as the rival team that made Charlie have nothing but utter distain for me when we met, was not lost on me either. "So you got a nickname?"  
  
"It's Cake-eater, please don't call me that though, if you have to call me something other then Adam call me Banks."  
  
"Okay Banks, what do you do when you're not giving people really creepy looks like the ones you've been giving me for the past five minutes?"  
  
So we sat and got to know each other, I told him about hockey and the ducks, my dad and Charlie. He told me about being on the track team, how his girlfriend was killed in a car accident the year before and how after she died he began experimenting with other men as away to avoid getting close to another girl. I have to admit the theory didn't make sense to me, but the idea of sharing a room with a bisexual guy sort of eased my mind. At least if Charlie ever came to visit Lee wouldn't be freaked out by it. Who was I kidding, Charlie wasn't coming, and Charlie didn't love me.  
  
~* Sorry I know this chapter wasn't that good, but I haven't been getting very many reviews. I don't put a whole lot of effort into it if I don't think anyone's reading. But if you are and you like it please let me know, so I know to keep going. And if there is anything you'd like to see in this story feel free to give me some suggestions. Thanks to those of you who are reading and reviewing. And double thanks to Nicci for proof reading this for me. *~ 


	5. Self thought

Charlie's POV  
  
  
  
Adam had been gone for about month and it was crazy how much I missed him. I missed the way his eyes crinkled at the corner when he laughed, the way he tried to be serious 24/7, I missed the way he kissed and the feel of his skin, how he fit in my arms and how his hair smelled. I guess I just missed him as a whole, in a way that sometimes made me want to cry. Now that I'm off of that tangent I'll continue the story.  
  
Everyday I loved and missed him more; I thought I'd die. In spite of that I never went to see him. I'd tell him it was because Jan wouldn't give the time off from the shop, when in fact I never even asked for it. I was afraid to be face to face with him again. I'd have to look into those enchanting blue eyes while he said he loved me and not be able to bring myself to say it back. Am I scum? Yes. Do I love him? With all my heart and every fiber of my being, but saying it out loud that would be finally taking the last step in admitting I'm gay. I know you're thinking no Conway, having sex with him was the final step. But sex is just sex, there really doesn't have to be feelings behind it at all. What I feel for Banks that's different, it's deeper then that, it's something so special; I don't think I could feel it for someone else. That scares me too.  
  
Every night we'd talk on the phone, alternating who called who. There was an hour difference between Minnesota and Connecticut, sometimes I'd call to early and he'd still be at practice or I'd call to late and he'd be asleep. So we worked out it 8:00 here and 9:00 there. Is it sad that I'd look at my watch a zillion times a day to see how long I had to wait until I got to hear his voice? I don't care if it is. I jumped on that phone at exactly the right time everyday. He'd tell me about everything that was going on out there, I'd give him all the back home gossip and tell him nothing's the same without him. He's got such a sexy voice, quiet and shy but deep and spine tingling. Did I mention he's the only person I've ever met that has to ability to make me giggle from miles away?  
  
Still I couldn't admit my love to him, my jealousy however was very hard to hide. Sometimes when we were on the phone his roommate Lee would be in the room and I could hear them joking around together in the background. I'd get mad and hang up; he'd call back and say,   
"You have nothing to worry about Charlie, I only wanna be with you."  
  
I would of course laugh and ask him,   
"What did I do to deserve you?"  
  
His answer was normally,   
"Played Spin The Bottle."  
  
It was funny that a silly drunken game at one of Jesse's parties brought us together. I don't know about him but I was happier then I'd ever been. No okay that's a lie I'd be happier then I would have ever been if he'd never left me to begin with. And also I knew he wasn't really as ecstatic as he pretended to be either and I couldn't understand why. He had everything he wanted didn't he? The college he wanted to go to, hockey, a cool roommate and me. Not that I'm trying to sound like I'm all that great but he had said he'd loved me forever.  
  
I know we'd only been together for a week before he went away making our romance a total of six weeks. But we were best friends for years prior to that; I could tell something wasn't right. Every single time I asked he'd give me a,  
"Nothing Charlie, what could possibly be wrong? Everything's perfect."  
  
I wish he would've told me, and then I could've done something about it sooner. Fixed things before he felt the need to do what he did a few weeks later.  
  
  
~* You like me, yay. Okay well maybe you just like Adam and Charlie but whatever. See I got reviews and here's a better chapter then the last one. I'm serious love makes me write better. Keep reviewing. *~ 


	6. Guilt

Adam's POV  
  
I guess you could say for the next couple weeks I was leading a double life. The sweet boy friend that sat by the phone and made sure he called on time. The boy that jumped up and was out the door as soon as I hung up. I could tell it was hurting Lee, didn't like being the other man but no matter how I explained it to him, he couldn't understand. I'd tried so hard for years to pretend my adoration for his wa ordinary friendship not an intense crush. But it wasn't even a crush anymore, it was love, at least on my part. I know you're thinking "If you love him Banks, then why did you cheat on him? Why were you with Hawk?" I'll put it very simply, I needed to feel cherished, desired and cared for. I'm sorry it that's wrong of me, however I needed it. I'd waited to long to get Charlie to give him up, he just wouldn't return the emotions. So I got my love from Lee and gave my love to Charlie and I wasn't happy at all.  
  
It took two days of complete and total nagging from Lee before I agreed to go with him to his parents cabin for the weekend. He said he hoped it would bring us together. I hoped it would distract me from the guilt that was gnawing at my soul. Maybe I'd even be able to forget about Captain Conway for five minutes. The cabin was beautiful, right on the water. We watched the moon light dance and shimmer on the lake and then went in to cuddle by the fire. By this point, he had succeeded at wiping Charlie from my thoughts. After some champagne and romantic music, I gave into Hawk. I gave into being with him, I gave him all of myself the way I had Charlie the night before I left. Most of all I gave up any hope I had that, Charlie and I would have a future.  
  
When we returned late the next night Hawk went of to tell the resident advisor we were back. The entire ride home I had been thinking of the irony of which Captain Duck lost me to a Hawk and it was almost amusing. I walked over to the nightstand between Lee and mine beds and hit the play button on the answering machine. So badly now I wish I hadn't.  
  
"Adam where are you? I'm really getting worried now. You were suppose to call last night and you didn't, it was your turn. Now I'm calling you and you're not picking up. Are you okay? I really didn't want to tell your machine this, but I'm hopping a bus in a few minutes and I'm coming to see you. Jan told me I could have the week off if I found someone to cover for me. Guy said he'd do it, I only had to promise to pay the next time he wants to take Connie out. Don't worry I didn't tell him, none of the Ducks know. I think we should tell them though because… because…because I love you Adam. I've been doing a lot of soul searching these past few days and I realized I've been a complete fool. I love you and I wish I could shout it from the roof tops. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner, it was hard for me though because I actually mean it when I'm saying it to you. I just said it to Linda, Catherine and Nicole, with no thought. But with you, it's a whole new thing. Okay well I gotta go, my bus is boarding, I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
By the time Lee got back I was a blubbering mess, curled up in the corner, weeping and shaking. What had I done? I'd allowed myself to convinced Charlie didn't care for me and in my haste went to bed with someone else. Now he was on his way to Connecticut to be with me. Hawk walked over to where I was balled up on the floor, the answering machine which I heaved, in strewn pieces all around me.  
  
"What's wrong Banks?" He placed a hand tenderly on my shoulder  
  
"I… I… I can't" I managed between retching sobs. "I'm so sorry Lee. I can't keep this up."  
  
I'd screwed up a lot in my life time, but nothing compared to this. Lee understood finally my connection to Charlie was that great, that he could never make me get over him. Nothing could change how I felt for him, the fact that he felt the same at that very moment. Though that was subject to change as soon as he arrived and I told him the truth. I wracked my brain the whole night, as I laid awake in my bed, trying to think how I could ever break the news to Charlie. I felt like slim and soon he'd know I was. We could've had a bright and happy future together and I gave that up. Gave it up for what? An hour of passion with no sentiment behind it. I was going to lose then both, Lee I'd let go, let him find someone better, someone that wanted him as much as he wanted them and Charlie would be gone out of my live as quickly as he came. God I curse that stupid game and Goldberg for suggesting it and mostly myself for fucking everything up. 


	7. Truth be told

Charlie's POV  
  
  
  
  
That bus ride from Minnesota to Connecticut was complete hell, I had an elderly man behind me coughing up a lung and girl that looked no older then me with a screaming baby that she obviously couldn't control next to me. The only thing that got me through the entire ride was knowing at the end of the journey I'd be rewarded with Banksie's touch. My heart was thumping a mile a minute as the University grew closer. The brakes came to a screeching halt at my stop, my stomach did a summersault. Finding his dorm was no problem, though I'm not sure how I got there. When minute I was bounding off the bus, the next I was knocking at his door. It swung open and before I could get a greeting, his mouth was pushed hard to mine in ruff, messy kisses. Had they been supplied by anyone else, I would've gone as to far to call them unpleasant.  
  
"I missed you too." I panted with a smile as we pulled back for air. We were stilling standing in the doorway of his room, people in the corridor staring. It didn't phase me, but Banks being a shy person and the ideas I had for the rest of the day not being the kind of thing you want an audience for, I thought it best we go in.  
"Are you going to invite me, or am I just gonna stay in the hall all day?"  
  
"Duh, god no, come in." He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the room, shutting the door behind us.   
  
I dropped my bag on the floor and laid out on the bed I figured was his (as it was covered in Anaheim Mighty Ducks), waiting for him to come to me. Adam sat on the edge of the bed with his back to me, causing me to scowl briefly. Then my eyes fell upon a framed picture on his night table and it other wise gained my attention. It was of us, Bombay and Orion. It was taking right after we won states this year. Bombay was on my right, Adam on my left and Orion on his left. Other then my mother who was actually taking the picture (I have a copy too, but it's in a scrap book) those were my three favorite people. That was the first time I noticed that in the photo Banks had his arm around my waist and his head on my shoulder. I wonder how I missed that so many times.  
  
"You always looked better in that uniform. The colors really brought out your eyes." I teased playfully picking up his hand.  
  
"Knock it off Charlie." He muttered still not looking at me  
  
"I'm not kidding you did, that's why all those girls were after ya all the time. Tuff shit for them, I won."  
  
He turned to face me and for the first time since we'd been friends I was unable to read his expression.  
  
"You're making what I've got to tell you really hard." His tone was odd, much more uneasy then he usually is around me, as if he was afraid of something. Afraid of me? Now I was worrying.  
  
"Adam, what's wrong?"  
  
"I've been with someone else." Banks' eyes still wouldn't meet mine  
  
I grinned at him and chuckled slightly  
"Very funny, I almost thought for a second there you were serious." I learned he truly was when I leaned over to kiss him and he turned his head. I could see tears welling up in his troubled eyes. "You're not kidding are you?"  
  
Banksie clenched both his eyes and lips closed as he shook him head.  
  
I drew a quivery breath and studied his profile, my words caught in my throat and I nearly choked on them.  
"When?"  
  
"Saturday night. When I didn't call you, I was with him." He croaked  
  
"With who?"  
  
I saw him sallow hard and his head drooping mildly  
"It doesn't matter."  
  
"Bull shit Banks! Who the fuck was it?" I had promised myself that I'd never again call him Banks, that he'd be my Adam forever. Well life's a bitch isn't it.  
  
"Lee." His voice was barely above a whisper  
  
"I should've known." I could feel the emotions tumbling around inside of me, anger, jealousy, hurt, betray, and undeniable love. They mixed together into a deadly cocktail. As I went for the door I felt his hand grasp my wrist.  
  
"I'm sorry, Charlie if I could take back one night of my life that would be the one. I swear to you, it'll never happen again. I love you so much, I can't let you go like this."  
  
"You shoulda thought of that before you fucked him!" The more he spoke the more livid I became, increasing the volume of my voice.  
  
"Please Charlie wait." He spun around and pinned me to the wall, planting a desperate kiss on me. This one was returned with a fist to the gut rather then blissful acceptance. I watched as he went down like a sack of potatoes, then picked up my duffel bag and left. I could still hear his straggled gagging on my way out.  
  
As I sat alone at the bus stop I was no longer able to with hold my own tears. I hadn't cried since Hans died and there I was balling like a five year old little girl. This was what love had reduced me to. My face was burning with fury and the salty water left cool trails as they trickled down my cheeks. I wasn't able to stop them, not that I was trying overly hard. I just couldn't get over it. I'd had my share of girlfriends at Eden Hall, sure nothing compared to what Portman and Luis had but still a fair amount. Yet I'd never been cheated on by a chick. Girls that I basically used and then discarded like an old tissue. The one person I ever fall head over heels for, the only person I could say with absolute certainty I would've spent the rest of my life with without any regret, a guy mind you. What does he do? Rips out my hear and does the Macarena on it. I suddenly knew what it was like to be all those girls and it didn't feel good at all.  
  
That's when I noticed the soreness of my knuckles and flinched slightly when I bent them. They were red and raw and I knew if my hand looked like that Banks was in much worse condition. We had been friends for eight years, best friends for five of them and this was the first time I didn't feel bad for him being in pain. Who am I kidding it was tearing me apart to know I hurt him physically, but it was no why even close to the psychological misery he was putting me through. As much as I wanted to, I never did go check on him, I just waited for the next bus to come. When it eventually did, it was the same driver I had earlier.  
  
"What's this, I thought you were spending the week with the love of your life." He said as I climbed the four steps to get on.  
  
"So did I." I answered wandering back to a seat "So did I." 


	8. Death by Bic

Adam's POV  
  
  
  
  
  
~* This is a short chapter but I think it gets my point across. Thanks for reading and thanks to the reviewers. Response helps me write. Also this chapter isn't beta read because I don't think my beta reader is speaking to me, so please bare with me. *~  
  
  
I stayed there in the floor in the fetal position, until well after the pain in my stomach subsided. I'm not really sure how long it was, minutes, hours, days. They had seemed to have no definition. I hadn't slept since Charlie left, hadn't been out of the room or eaten. My desire to live had followed him out the door that day, my desire to go on was sitting in Minnesota cursing the day I was born. I know I deserved everything he said to me. Everything he did to me, maybe even worse. I wish he had killed me, it would be better then living with this guilt. Why didn't he? I'd rather that then live a million years without him. Living each day knowing I caused this. I caused him to leave me, this was my fault. I couldn't even find solace in crying, my eyes were as dry as the desert, every last tear had long already been shed.  
  
I was alone, a concept not foreign to me by any means, but this was a different kind of a lone. An empty almost exposed alone. Lee hadn't been back to the room, since the night we came back from the cabin. I told him Charlie was spending the week and never sot him out to speak of the change in plans. I wanted to be alone. No I didn't, I wanted to be with Charlie, I wanted to his arms around me, his breath warm on my neck. Why couldn't everything be perfect like it was the nigh before I left? I'd lost him, I'd lost Lee and was about to lose hockey. It didn't matter to me anymore, even hockey couldn't fill the aching void. There was no one I could turn to. No one that would understand what was going through my mind.  
  
I picked up the picture that Charlie had looked at when he was here and ran my fingers over the smooth texture of the glass. Things were simple then, I was the quiet star center, he was the loud team captain. We were best friends, that never dream of not speaking to each other for more then twenty four hours. At that point it had been three days since I heard his voice. I tried calling about a hundred time. Mrs. Conway told me each time that he wasn't home, once I swear I heard him and Goldberg wrestling like we used to in the background. I didn't know what to do or what to think. A surge of self rage flooded my body as I sent the photo hurtling at the wall, not breathing until I hear the familiar sound of the shattered glass.  
  
When Hawk came back later that day to gather some clothes and stuff I told him Charlie left early and that it was his room too so he could stay. He didn't ask why Charlie left and I wasn't about to give out any information anyway so it worked well. It helped me to have someone there, even if we didn't talk, just to know there was more human life out there.  
  
"Are you sure you're alright?" He asked after an hour of silence, looking up from his game boy  
  
I didn't have the strength to lie to him, so I simply nodded. I rolled over to face the wall, folding my arms beneath my head. I could still feel Lee's eyes burning a hole through my back, as I closed my eyes and drifted into much needed sleep. Sleep that no matter how needed was interrupted by the worst nightmare I had ever had. The day Charlie walked out of my life replayed in my mind. It was so vivid in fact that when I got to point in which he punched me, I felt it. Felt it to the point in that I was actually winded. I remember being shaken and opening my eyes to see Lee leaning over my bed.  
  
"Banks, Banks wake up."  
"What?" I managed  
  
"You're gasping. Adam are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." I rolled from under his hand and off the bed, grabbing my towel and toiletries bag.  
  
I stood under the steaming stream trying to relax, it didn't help at all. My breathing was still jagged, my heart still pounding. Damn it Charlie how did you have such an affect on me? The tears finally returned, they mixed with the water and washed down the drain. Never to be seen again, much like the love Charlie and I once shared, gone without a trace. I couldn't suppress the whimpers any longer either as I lowered myself to the shower floor. Hopeless, confused and absolutely melancholy. Suddenly something in my bag caught my eye. A disposable razor, at first I only ran it over my skin cutting layer by layer, feeling faintly better with each swipe. Soon I felt myself pressing harder applying more force as it crossed my wrist. I thought I made out the barely audible sound of someone calling my name, but by then I was to weak to lift my head and check. All I saw was red swirling down the drain chasing my tears before everything went black. 


	9. The End

Charlie POV  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When the phone rang that day I felt a knot form in the pit of my stomach and a chill ran the length of my spine. My mother looked at my caller I.D. sighed.  
  
"Charlie's not here…I'm sorry if it's important but he's not home at the moment."  
  
I grunted and turned the television up drowning out the conversation. Jesus Banks don't you ever give up? A few minutes later mom entered the room looking as though she was on the verge of tears. My mother's a pretty easy going women, she never gets worked up about anything. The look on her face nearly panicked me.  
  
"Mom, mom what's the matter?" I turned the volume back down so I could hear her.  
  
"That was Adam's roommate, honey, Adam's in the hospital." She gulped and lifted her eyes to mine "He tried to kill himself last night."  
  
"What?" My brain wasn't processing this information, it seemed almost unbelievable.   
  
"He slit his wrist. They found him in the showers bleeding. The Banksess are in Jamaica they can't get back to the states until Tuesday. They thought it might help Adam if there was someone close to him there when he wakes up. Philip called the airlines they'll have a ticket waiting for you at the desk."  
  
I said nothing, I couldn't even shake my head, I just ran up to my room and started stuffing clothes in my bag and then called Guy to tell him he had to fill in for me at the shop and why. Then I flew out the door shouting a good bye to my mother over my shoulder. It seemed as though the taxi to the airport was going at a snails pace. I couldn't get through the baggage check fast enough, all I wanted to do was get to the hospital and either smack him, kiss him or both.  
  
As I raced into the hospital I saw Lee sitting in a chair in the waiting room.  
"Where is he?" I wheezed and jogged by him instead of waiting for an answer. Cornering the first nurse I could find I skidded to a stop.  
"Adam Banks, I need to see him."  
  
The women gave me a curious glance and raised her eye brows at me.  
"Who are you?"  
  
"I'm his ex…I'm his best friend."  
  
"He's lost a lot of blood, he maybe a tad despondent and the doctor gave him a sedative anyway. But it may do him some good to have a familiar voice around." She led me down the sterile white hallway with a kind smile and gestured to a small secluded room.  
  
At first I was tempted to tell her there must be a mistake, that wasn't my Banksie. My Banksie, woah where did that come from? It couldn't be him, he looked to weak to be him. He seemed to be whiter then the sheets.  
  
"God Adam, what did you do?" I lowered myself into the seat at the bedside and stared at him. "You've dealt with a lot of bad shit Banksie, you've always over come everything. You're stronger then this. You're one of the toughest people I know." The back of my hand traveled over his cheek. "Why did you do it?" I sat there observing his unmoving form moisture threatening at the corners of my eyes. It all came back to me at once. Me, this was my fault. His life was going perfectly until me.  
  
Hours past and still he didn't budge, laying almost lifeless. The subtle florescent light above the bed highlighted his features with a warm glow and he almost looked like an angel. Later I heard a rumble in the hall, one that sounded a bit like… a flock of ducks. I was out of the chair and in the waiting room in a second, taking in the scene around me.  
  
"What are you guys doing here?"  
  
"Guy called and told us what was going on." Goldberg answered  
  
"Ducks fly together dude." Fulton added  
  
"What made him do it Charlie?" Kenny looked up at me  
  
"I…I…um broke up with him." I shifted uncomfortably on my feet  
  
Jaws hit the floor and eye balls were exposed. I prayed no one give me the third degree about this, I wasn't in the mood.  
  
"When did that happen?" Connie queried  
  
"That we hooked up or brook up?" I questioned  
  
"Both." Luis responded  
  
"From Jesse's party, till about a week ago."  
  
"Wow, that must have been some kiss." Averman joked and jumped back hiding behind Portman, thinking I was going to hit him. I didn't though instead I leaned over and ruffled his curly hair. I was to happy to see them all there, to be angry at him.  
  
"So how do you all get here?"  
  
"Catlady had Scooter Western Union us money for plane tickets." Russ tipped his head in the direction of the pretty, blonde goalie.  
  
"Thanks Jules." I hugged her  
  
"Come on ya'll let's go see Banks." Dwayne spoke up  
  
"Hold it!" One of the nurses yelled from the nurses station "Two at a time."  
  
I stood outside and gave the rest of the team time to see him, when Russ and Kenny came out, Adam still hadn't woken up and I was even more stressed then I had been before. When it was turn to go back in, I paused at the doorway a minute just watching him. After a few minutes of my vigil from the door jam he began to stir. His head turned to me and his blue eyes blinked a few times. I could tell at first he had thought I was Lee because he scowled then slowly a smile swept over his beautiful face.  
  
"Charlie?" His voice was hoarse and wavered   
  
"Yeah Adam it's me." I walked toward the bed and sat back down in the seat I had been in earlier.  
  
"Why are you here?"   
  
"Because you're hurt Adam, you tried to kill yourself."  
  
"Wrong."  
  
"I'm wrong, explain this then." I held up his arm so he could see his tightly bandaged wrist  
  
"I didn't try to kill myself Charlie, I've been dead since you left."  
  
I flinched at his words as if he'd just punched me square in the face.  
"Let's not talk about that right now." I looked into his eyes and ran my fingers through his sandy blonde hair, amazed at how soft it was.  
  
"I wanna talk about it now Charlie. I'm so sorry I hurt you, God knows I wouldn't do that for the world. I love you so much." I could tell his tears were sincere, that he really didn't plan on what happened.  
  
"Adam, please not now." I squeezed his hand  
  
"No listen to me…you've got to forgive me. I can't leave this hospital unless you're going to be with me. Charlie I need you, you're one good thing in my life and I know I was a fool not to see that. But please give me another chance, I'm dead inside without you."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Okay, I forgive you, now will you calm down and get some rest?"  
  
He nodded with a sly grin, then unexpectedly his hands shot up and grasped each side of my face pulling it down to his lips. It was a heart stopping, body warming kiss that left my head spinning.  
  
"I love you Adam Jonathon Banks." I'm not sure where that came from but in retrospect it was as true that second as it happen been the week prior.  
  
"That's all I ever wanted you to say." His lids closed as he fell into a deep slumber.   
  
As I watched the steady rise and fall of his chest I asked myself how I ever thought I could've live without him.  
  
~* That's all there is, there is no more. Thank you to the readers for baring with me in my virgin attempt at a slash story. Hopefully if I ever decide to write another one it will be better, because this one pretty much sucked. But hey gotta love Charlie and Adam right? Lata Meme*~ 


End file.
